“Ignore Adversity.”

 

We all have things in our lives that are difficult. They can range from miniscule like running your stockings to a major illness. Sometimes, it is not enough to maintain a positive attitude. Sometimes, you need to take a more direct stand and ignore the things that are trying to pull you down.

Now, when I say “ignore,” I do not mean hide your head in the sand until things goes away. Because, frankly, they won’t and you’ll just end up with a mouth full of sand and grit in your eyes. Not pleasant, my dears. No, what I mean is don’t dwell on it. Learn it, accept it, and move on.

Sounds like a lot of smoke being blown up your backside, right?

Well, starting today, I’m going to see. And today is the perfect day to do so. It’s hectic at work, I’ve got the vestiges of a migraine lurking, and there are a lot of extra people running around the office — salesmen…. Ugh. That’s a guaranteed migraine right there.

Wish me luck! I’m going to stay positive and ignore the angst of problems. I’m going to look at them, deal with them, and then forget about them.

I did not recap my first week of trying to recapture my Inner Drag Queen yesterday (Day Seven) because I was hit with a rather intense and wretched migraine. However, before that happened, the day was lovely. Here are the highlights and then I’ll look at what I learned during my first week:

I got laundry in very good shape! Had a ton of help from Hubby on that. But, you can actually see the laundry room floor and that’s a good thing. It was a hot mess after me not doing laundry for a week! We made the Boy Child’s crepes — he invented the recipe Saturday afternoon and they were fantastic! Who’d have thought that we’d end up with a new family recipe from him playing with my old manual rotary mixer and a bowl of water? All in all, we had a wonderfully quiet, family oriented day.

That being said… Let’s look back on Week One of my Journey to Recapture My Inner Drag Queen…

Things I’ve Done:

• Gotten our finances back into a semblance of control. Plus, Hubby is taking a more active role and that is a wonderful help.
• Begun a new part-time job that will have me working in a field that will be giving back to the community.
• Allowed myself time to heal from my back and neck injury. I’ve been so good about taking it easy and not feeling bad about asking for help. I’m slowly getting better, but it’s a lot faster than if I’d tried to be Super Woman.
• Maintained a positive attitude. I won’t say it’s been easy, but I’ve definitely made a concerted effort to keep myself from spiraling into the morass of negativity that is comfortable for me.

What I learned:

• It is easy to be positive when you are mindful of your surroundings and self. I’ve never understood the whole “Be in the moment” craze. How could I not be in the moment? I’m living it, right? But then, I took the time to constantly check in with myself, listening to my inner talk, seeing how I felt physically… Suddenly, I got it. I was, for once, in the moment. I was paying attention to the things around and inside me without looking for things to worry about.
• Being positive is its own reward. I felt good all week, despite my neck / back pain and a couple of migraines. I even had more energy!
• Positivity comes back to you. Good things happened this week from relationships to work to my personal goals. I don’t know i I would have been ale to see everything for the blessings they were if I had not been paying attention to my inner talk and trying to see the positives of everything.
• Being positive is just as easy as being negative. It’s looking at the little things instead of letting yourself get overwhelmed by the big picture. Not bad for someone with an anxiety disorder and OCD…

So, all in all, last week was an eye-opening experience. I’m going to continue with maintaining a positive attitude as I start with Week Two.

It’s relatively quiet here. The stepkids are home, the Boy Child is asleep, and Hubby is happily watching the Budwieser Shoot Out on TV. Me, I’ve managed to keep the kitchen clean, tidy up from kids, make a huge pot of bean soup, clean up from dinner, balance the check book… All in all, a really nice day.

Yesterday, I came home to find that Hubby had taken my to do list and run with it! The major housework was done by the time I got home! It was such a relief as my neck had been bothering me and I was not looking forward to vacuuming. We had a great visit with the kids.

And now, this evening, I am relaxing by blogging and writing some fiction that I’ve been meaning to work on. It’s been a nice, lazy day, in all honesty. The snow was gorgeous and helped me feel content — being in a warm, clean house will do that.

Looking back over today, I can’tg think of a time I felt negative. It’s just been a wonderfully calm and fun day. Even though I’ve not been out of PJ’s (ok, just long enough to go get breakfast earlier this morning LOL), I have to say the past week makes me feel very good about myself. Tomorrow, my goal is to work on the physical aspect of my Fabulousness. A manicure, pedicure, facial, arching my brows, etc… Well, in between folding loads of laundry.

Here we are… The end of the work week. Somehow, I’ve managed to keep positive thoughts as my sword and shield. I’ve gotten cranky here and there, but for the most part, I’m rather pleased with myself.

I’ve gotten a lot accomplished and maintained my focus at work. Wish I could get myself to do that at home. But, tonight we have my stepkids, so it will be a mad dash home to tidy up and make sure we’re in good shape for them. Unless i have to pick them up — then it will be a “Don’t look at the house, just go play XBox and don’t mind the woman rushing around trying to get caught up on chores from being all brokey and stuff.”

I had anopther moment of syynchronicity this morning. It wasn’t anything major, but it brightened my day immeasurably. I texted my husband with the message “I want a frackin’ soda!!!” Yes, I am addicted to sodas and energy drinks — ok, anything carbonated. I’ll even drink plain soda water. It turns out that my beloved hubby was a mile away on a job and had just dropped off some recycling… So, he was close enough and had cash enough to drop off a lovely GIANT Monster Low Carb drink (my latest poison of choice LOL). Bonus? I got to chat with him for a few moments. That was defintiely the highlight of my day… So far.

You may be offered a once in a lifetime opportunity today. If you are a writer or are involved in the communications business, sharpen your pencils and get out that resume, you have a chance to get published today. Don’t listen to a doubting Thomas in your family today.

That is my horoscope for today. Funny, it’s exactly what has happened.

As I posted earlier, I had a meeting about a part-time grant writing job. Yeah, it’s mine. The center I’d be working for is amazing. The things that they do for the community are astounding and they deserve every penny I can squeeze out of grants. So, I’ll be writing… A lot.

For the published part, well, there’s a book being put together that needs some author love. I can do that!

So, Universe, I get it… Being positive is a good thing. What an amazing day.

“Freedom is what you do with what’s been done to you”

– Jean-Paul Satre

I found this quote this morning. For some reason, it felt like a Sartre day — perfect for introspection. I’m a little over half-way through my first week and it’s been an adventure. I’ve consciously been keeping a more postive outlook on things. It’s been a struggle — being positive seems to go against my very nature at times. However, I am seeing a definite change in myself and the world around me.

Today, I’m starting a new path. I’ll be meeting with the director of a center that helps handicapped adults receive job training and find jobs.They are looking for someone to write grants for them. It would be such a rewarding part-time job. I’m very excited — and I’m very scared. So, here’s where I’m working on being positive…

PROS for Doing This:

1. Extra income… This is especially handy as we work to get out of debt and get something put aside for emergencies and such.
2. Getting to do a job that means something. Putting my time into writing grants would be giving back in a way.
3. Doing something that stretches my abilities as a writer. This would definitely keep me out of a rut.
4. The possibility, far down the road, of making this a full time occupation. I could work from home and do something I truly enjoy. This would give me more flexibility as a parent.

And then there are…

CONS of Doing This:

1. I would be doing this in my ever so copious spare time. It would mean added juggling to an already busy schedule.
2. Trying to find a place at home to turn into an “office space” for my own organizational peace of mind. I have a desk in the basement, but it’s damned cold down there. Writing in the living room (where I usually work) would be difficult due to needing room. Oh, and my current desk is a writing cabinet type thing. So, not a lot of space to spread out. I could use the dining table…
3. Dealing with tax issues that arrise from being “self-employed.”

Well, the pros still outweigh the cons. Frankly, the added income is so needed right now, that’s my biggest push in doing this. And, after writing these all out, I feel like I can handle it.

Huh, taking a few moments to look at a situation objectively and positively helped keep me from freaking out. Sword and shield, baby, sword and shield.

I wonder if RuPaul could ever imagine that she and a movie about Drag Queens would affect a straight, middle-aged woman so deeply?

“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.”

– Marcel Proust

 

“Bam-bam and Celeste”

Fantastic chick flick with Margaret Cho. Cho plays a Goth girl struggling with a horrid self image who leaves DeKalb for New York with her best friend, Bam-bam… Best part? When Bam-bam gives Celeste a make-over and says “Now you see the beauty in you that I see.”

“Loving Annabelle”

Kind of “Dead Poets Society” for chicks. It’s just resonating with me today. I guess the characters all struggling to find their places are intriguing to me.

Now, go forth and find some inspiration in the waning hours of today. I dare you to look in places outside of your comfort zone.

Well, I’m seriously hooted out on pain meds. They killed the pain long enough for me to get the kitchen shoveled out, the dining room tidy, and the living room habitable. Granted, I feel like Hell right now, but mentally, I am much better. I do much better when the house is tidy. Plus, I feel better that the guys will be coming home to a tidy house and supper cooking. Red beans and rice with corn bread. Yum!

I had my doctor’s appointment. It went well. We’re going to do physical therapy for a bit and see if that helps anything. So, not worrying was a good plan.

Hummm… I need to go start supper. All in all, the day has turned out all right. Positive thoughts have been my sword and shield and I’ve made it through.

Yeah, I’m struggling to remain positive today. I’m still in a lot of pain and not able to do much. Of course, that’s affecting home life. I’m not able to take care of everything like I normally do. Laundry is piling up, the kitchen is a pit, etc. My husband is trying to do it all and doing a good job, but it’s not something he’s used to and I know he’s not terribly thrilled by it. So, tension there because neither of us is particularly pleased by this for a variety of reasons.

I have an appointment with my doctor today (yay for having to take off work) to see what’s up with my neck and back. I spoke with a doctor yesterday who had looked at my x-rays again. He was very quick to let me know that spinal surgeries had come a long way and were easy to bounce back from. Umm, hadn’t even thought of surgery! Apparently, three of my vertebrae have narrowed spaces… Great. So, concerned there about what I might find out. Also not happy about needing to take off work again to go get an MRI…

I think I’m getting a cold too. Very congested, especially at night. It kept me up last night, so I’m running on very little sleep and 12 ounces of Coke Zero (my last Coke Zero, by the way).

So, sigh, I’m trying to let good thoughts be my sword and shield. When I got snapped at earlier, I just kept reminding myself not to take it personally and to keep quiet. Unfortunately, it didn’t work. You see, I have only fallen down our stairs twice in four years but everyone is acting like I am completely unable to walk. I realize that I’m klutzy, but seriously, give it a rest, people! I know some of my frustration showed today and that made things worse.

Deep breath — good thoughts…

It’s very easy for me to slip into a mire of self loathing and - when people are angry at me. I take it very personally… Always have. I’m not sure where to go from here. How do I keep the good thoughts when all I feel is failure, tension, self-doubt, and self loathing?

Well, for right now, my first step will be to go get a cup of hot tea. So, be right back…

Ok, back. Took me a bit longer because I stopped by the ladies’ room. Now then, a cup of hot Candy Cane Lane tea by Celestial Seasonings. Perfect flavour! The mint is great for relieving any stress in the digestive areas and the scent is good for relieving mental stress. Ahh, nice. So, where was I? Oh yes…

Let’s take each feeling and go over it. By bringing the negatives into the light and recognizing them, I should be able to move away from them.

Failure:

I feel like a failure because I can’t do everything that I normally do. My family is being affected and that cuts right to the heart of me.

Ok, let’s look at this objectively. I’m hurt and in pain. It would be silly to expect that I be able to do everything that I normally do. If I were to do so, I would run the risk of hurting myself even more and delaying getting back to normal. So, feeling like a failure for that is needless. By not overdoing it, I am actually doing the right thing.

It is rough to see my family be affected by this. I know it’s very hard for my husband to do everything. His work is physically demanding and then having to come home and deal with things is rough. Add in the fact that he’s picked me up and dropped me off at work the last two days so I wouldn’t have to drive… I can see how he’s feeling taken advantage of and that I’m not being as appreciative as I could be. He’s right. I should have thanked him for his suggestion this morning, regardless of how I felt it was being presented (to my sleepy and pained self, it felt like he was dumbassing me), and let it go. Ok, moving away from that feeling of failure… I messed up and will apologize for it later.

Self-doubt / Self-loathing:

I get these ALL of the time. Things can be going well and I start to worry and question myself. Well, I admitted where I screwed up this morning and have a plan for dealing with it. I need to accept it and move on without dwelling on it or beating myself up about it. I can’t move through something if I’m stuck in doubt and loathing. I need to listen to my self talk carefully and zap any negative thought as soon as it appears. I’m going to make a tick list for every bad thought starting now… We’ll see how many I can stop.

Tension:

Ahh yes, tension… I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder that is compounded by Obsessive Compulsive Disorder… Having the house messy makes me tense, feeling out of control makes me tense, worrying makes me tense… Yep, I’m a walking bundle of tension usually. So, since I’m at work, what can I do to relieve this? Drinking my tea is helping. Writing this out is helping. Once I am done here, I’m going to hit my to do list hard and focus only on work. I am not going to let myself worry about what I might find out at the doctor’s today — I can’t change anything. Besides, once I know, I’ll be able to research and make a plan of attack — that always helps me remain calm.

Phew… Time to take an objective look at myself… Feeling a bit more positive. I have a plan of attack: focus on work, don’t worry til the doctor says to worry, go home and see what I can do without hurting myself that will help pick up slack (go over my to do list and knock out as much as possible before people get home), and apologize to my husband for being crabby this morning. Hmm, I can do all of these. And with that plan of attack, I am actually feeling pretty positive again!

Well, this is a pleasant surprise! I now feel fully armored and guarded by positive thoughts.

Money. It pervades our entire lives these days. Economic crises, people losing jobs, bills getting out of control… It is so easy to slip in these days of struggle. I know, I did.

Here it goes… I’m coming clean:

In August, I realized that I wasn’t myself. Of course, it took a complete breakdown at work to show me. During this time, our finances got out of hand. Seriously out of hand. Oh, the shame I felt. The fear of being discovered. Everything compounded until I felt so small, so wretched, I couldn’t even think about money.

Even though I have gotten better, my handling of money hasn’t.

Today, I sat down and carefully went over everything I could. I took a spare calendar and wrote down every bill’s amount on it’s due date. I looked at each pay check and made a list of exactly what would be paid from each. Are we going to be tight for a while? Yes. But, the shame and fear and wretchedness are slowly falling from my shoulders. I know we can crawl out of the hole I created. Twice a month (or more depending on how checks fall), I will sit down and pay bills. As I get more comfortable, I will set them up to be paid automatically from the account.

This may seem simple for most people — balancing money, living on a budget… I never learned and got lost from the systems that once worked for me. By taking this step, I’ve allowed positive thinking (the belief that we WILL be ok, that we CAN do this) to help me get back on track.

All in all, not too shabby. And so, the fabulousness grows.